Right-sizing myself + the gap between "shoulds" and realities
What a walk in the woods can show me, and when ADHD & CFS management conflict
Welcome to Not Always Neurosparkly: Musings on AuDHD Life. Here, I explore how to live an authentic, self-honouring and relational life with neurocomplexity and variable energy levels. This post is fully available to my paid subscribers, who can also access my archive of 70 + posts to go through at their own pace. Every single paid subscription helps to sustain the ongoing work of curating this neuro-affirming space in a way that works for my nervous system and hopefully others’ too.
(Begun on 15th May - this is a paced essay)
I’ve just returned from a very short woodland walk up the road from my house. It immediately right-sized me.
What do I mean by that?
Being online a lot, dependent on online life for much of my social and intellectual stimulation, means that I often feel like everything is right on top of me in a huge, messy clump: the state of the world, the state of the neurodiversity paradigm (and the endless debates and seemingly boundless ignorance), the recent local elections here in the UK, the rise of fascism, climate change … you know, all the things.
And walking that little slice of woods, still hearing the traffic on the A487 alongside through my noise cancelling Airpods, but humming with the bluebells and primroses and oaks, I’m reminded that I’m just another little human being on this planet.
Another being out of billions of others.
I remember that my time will pass, everyone’s time will pass, and it’s OK for me to just drop it all and walk in the woodland and do my little bit.
I also bumped into my next door neighbour and actually didn’t mind, although I went back into my house a different way just to avoid her only the other day.
We had a really pleasant chat, albeit peppered with things she’s told me at least four times (she’s 84) and she told me about the local choir. I’ve sung in choirs most of my life and have started to miss it after almost two years, having given up for various reasons from location and health (because of low energy, I’m not good with evening stuff) to feeling like I stuck out like a sore thumb with all the “normies”.
I briefly allowed myself to imagine going, wondering whether the inevitable masking would be worth it, what I’d have to wear, and there was something beautiful about even considering it.